I've been dealt a deck of cards to find the game is just a bore

When I was a child, I developed an odd fixation on the amount of saliva in my mouth. I realized there's an awful lot of it, and the more I thought about it, the more of a problem it became. I was constantly swallowing, trying to rid myself of what I viewed as excess. That's pretty normal for me - any excess I have I make an effort to either get rid of or use to my advantage somehow. (I suppose it's fortunate that I'm so thin, in that respect.) It could have ended there, except that I over-think things, and I always have. So, it got to the point where I was having immense difficulty falling asleep because I had to keep swallowing saliva or, in my view, drown. Gross, right? Anyway, like virtually any child out there would, I went to my mom. And she told me to stop focusing on it - to focus on something else. I think she told me to pray instead, but I can't quite remember. What I do remember is being frustrated - stop focusing on it? Like it's that simple? But, somehow, it must have worked enough for me to sleep at the very least. I still think about that, from time to time. Part of me laughs, but the other part swallows saliva and then instantly tries to focus on something else.

I like to think that I'm much different than I was as a child, but I'm really not. I don't think any of us are, if we're being completely honest with ourselves. The traits I see when I watch home videos that make me wince? They're still there. I've just learned to hide them, or to present them in a socially acceptable manner. Or sometimes not. It's more fun to laugh a little too loudly and be a little too cynical about the world than to pretend I've got it all figured out. Life is life. Fun and heartbreakingly short. Maybe one day I'll stop swallowing saliva. But maybe I won't.