Things I’ve Learned While Away at College
Dining hall hours are completely unsatisfactory.
Dining hall food is completely unsatisfactory.
Sometimes the long-term faculty doesn’t know stuff students think is general knowledge, like the different dorms being different prices.
Calling your professors by their first names is fun.
The ‘no pets’ rule is broken quite frequently.
It’s okay to be a nerd amongst honors students.
Sometimes people get really, really drunk.
Sometimes people get really, really drunk and stand on the front lawn of the dining hall shouting “DUDE!” for no reason.
Fire alarms suck.
When going down to the basement to do laundry, it’s best not to stare at the door in the dimly lit corridor marked “Boneyard: Keep boneyard door closed!”, unless you really like being creeped out by the possibilities of what exactly is behind that door.
Watching kids eat shit on a longboard/skateboard is one of the best forms of entertainment.
Swimming in the pool when it’s technically closed is the best way to swim.
Never volunteer who your RA is unless you want about 10 stories about how trashed they used to get on a nightly basis with their buddies, and all the stupid stunts they pulled.
Being locked out is a completely embarrassing predicament.
Unless, of course, a gorgeous boy happens to be your cell-phone carrier in shining armor, so to speak. Then it’s okay.
Cars don’t always drive on streets. As if life isn’t confusing enough.
Avoid speaking with the former tenants of your living space, because ignorance really is bliss.
Just because you work for a big corporation doesn’t mean you won’t fuck with the system every chance you get.
The amount of pure human bodily filth that can coat a bathroom is truly disgusting.
Making due is an integral part of college.
When one does not have a dustpan, opening the door to the hallway and sweeping it out there is an option. Even if it makes you feel like a horrible human being.
Shopping on your own is fun the first time, and then it becomes a chore.
It seems like people in charge really don’t think things out, sometimes. Like making one of the dorm complexes key-card accessible and then having the students’ cards so worn out by getting in and out of the building that the swiping machine at the dining hall doesn’t work for them.
Just one example, mind you.
I thought that having mandatory extra money that only works at the dining hall/coffee shop and will expire if you don’t use it was a stupid idea until I became addicted to the coffee shop’s smoothies.
Tilting too far back on your rocking desk-chair and having to suddenly jam your shins into the desk to keep from falling? Bruises. Doing so while on the phone and having your roommate laugh at your quick save? Priceless.
Taking out someone else’s trash sucks.
Being in charge of condiments opens you up to a lot of pervy jokes.
Going to a 60% guy - 40% girl ratio school makes you wonder if the rare groups of all girls you see are some sort of club. Or team. Or cult.
One fail-safe way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach, if the large smiles and waving in the halls I get from guys I let into the dining hall for free are any indication.
Working in any sort of cleaning and/or minimum wage position creates an interesting sociological dynamic. I know because I’ve had experience with both, and how people treat you/others in your position is a good way to judge character.
It might be smarter to walk upstream in a frigid, fast-moving river when it’s summer instead of autumn, but where would the fun be in that?
Being woken up to the sounds of screaming/swearing on one side and yelling/cheering on the other isn’t half as amusing as it sounds.
Living in a town that boasts not having a Starbucks is fun, particularly when there IS a Starbucks hiding out in the local City Market.
Also, going from living in a town with one of the biggest Wal-Marts to one of the smallest is an odd transition. You go to turn around and look for something and it’s right there.
Ski towns have fucking weird radio stations.
Ski towns also having fucking horrible DJs.
College = honing of cussing skills.
Going out to eat after living on dining hall food is like the best meal you can think of amplified by ten plus the excitement of Christmas morning.
Really, every student has a minor in cooking Top Ramen in the microwave.
If you’re female and haven’t been hit on by creepy old men yet, you’ll experience it in college.
Speaking of, there is no universe in which sitting with your feet propped up and unwaveringly watching a girl unload every single article of clothing from a dryer is NOT creepy.
It’s possible to not be able to find a street, even when there are only about 50 total in your town.
Drinking any alcoholic beverage that is 80 proof or above is a truly terrible idea.
I’m an unrepentant dog person.
Sometimes I forget I’m living with other people.
I sleep better in my dorm than I did at home, and it kind of weirds me out.
Dining hall food makes me feel gross enough that exercise is the only thing to make me feel better.
I kind of like living on the third floor with no elevator. Almost as much as I like complaining about living on the third floor and having to climb the stairs.
Almost.
Grilled cheese sammiches can lose their magic, and it is a sad, sad thing.
I find it nerve-wracking when someone is walking directly behind me all the way across campus.
I sometimes find myself doing this, and correct the situation immediately, even though it’s probably just a pet peeve of my own.
When making a grocery list, I put stars next to things I deem essential. Such as trash bags, toilet paper, floss, and Goldfish.
The fact that my former suite-mates used to snort illegal substances in the bathroom didn’t bother me half as much as wondering what surface they were using to do it.
My roommate and I made a hobby of hypothesizing on the causes of various stains in our living space. My favorites are coal mining and werewolf sneezes.
Guys need to stop giving me things for free/at discounted prices, because it’s really starting to balloon my ego at an alarming rate.
I would hate the way I instantly judge people more if my perception of them wasn’t so dependent on their every action, thus constantly changing.
I would draw 10 portraits in place of 1 still life/object. Things bore me, people do not.
I am capable of lifting/carrying a crap-load. Pretty much already knew that, but it’s been reaffirmed a lot lately.
Sometimes I realize the clothes I put on in the morning don’t really go together. And then I think: “Fuck it, I’m an art major.”
It makes me smirk when building are named after morally questionable individuals. Such as Packers. If you can guess which Packer I’m talking about...chances are I already love you.
When given the opportunity, I will injure myself on things that are (supposedly) virtually impossible to injure yourself on, like easels. Not the obvious possibility of the x-acto knife I use to sharpen my drawing pencils, because that would make sense.
I laugh at dead fetus jokes because I am a horrible person. ...I blame my roommate, who has the same morbid sense of humor that I do.
The more I get to know someone, the louder and more eccentric I become, as if I’ve been training them to tolerate me more and more the entire time we’re in contact.
I need my keyboard around.
My essays sound a lot more intelligent when someone with a PhD reads them aloud.
It amuses me more than it probably should when guys who wouldn’t have given me the time of day in high school check me out in college. I enjoy the fact that I didn’t want them then and still don’t now.
I’ve recently met a dude who pees at LEAST as many times a day as I do. I’m not sure whether I should feel a connection or just be concerned for his health.
I love these. You're hilarious and they are SO true! :)
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