Above us only sky

Wow. It's summertime and I'm officially a senior in college. Part of me thinks I should be freaking out, or maybe have a definite plan. I realized the other day I don't have one. And I also realized I'm okay with that. We'll call it being flexible to lots of options rather than being aimless, okay? :) I don't know. I guess I occasionally secretly get nervous and think I might fail, but overall there's this kind of peace of mind that I have to end up doing SOMETHING. I'm very hopeful that I'll love doing that something. It seems like so many people settle for doing less than what they love, and I find it sad. I guess it's the societal and cultural stress on monetary success being necessary for happiness...I can tell you it's not. Doesn't hurt, of course, but it's not what matters in the long run to me. So that takes a big part of the stress away.

I have been thinking a little bit about where I want to live for the rest of my life. I must say, especially this past year, I've fallen in love with Colorado mountains. This state is really awe-inspiringly beautiful if you know where and how to look. But deep down, I know I won't end up here, which is a little sad, like knowing you eventually have to say goodbye to a dear friend. I'll definitely come back as often as I can, but I need a city bigger than Denver, quirky and fun as Denver seems. I've been thinking about Portland ever since I visited there...granted, I really didn't see much of it, but it was gorgeous, and I know they have a really rad art scene out there. And there's always Chi-town, which I'm still madly in love with, and always will be.

I guess my problem, (or perhaps liberation?) is that I truly do not have a home anymore. Granted, my sense of home is usually rooted in people, who change faster and quicker than terrain. That, or out of reach until I get there and suddenly, out of reach again. My life is split between here and Gunnison, which is...difficult. I can somehow feel lonely and discontent in both places, if I'm not careful. I think, of the two, Gunnison is more of a haven for me simply because it's the first time and place where I've had to be fully responsible for myself. And there's something about where you've had to destroy and create yourself free from expectation that always nurtures a certain attachment. But I knew going in that Gunnison was temporary, and really, it needs to be. I could never stay. So now I'm coming up fast to the terrifying, wonderful experience of creating my own home somewhere new. I know I can do it, and the potential is there for things to go absolutely perfectly as much as it's there for things to hit rock bottom and keep digging. I look forward to starting anew, at any rate.

This school year has been one of the most taxing and challenging years of my life, and I've pulled through. Now? I'm bored by comparison. Haha. Guess that's what I get for craving relaxation. Next year, I'm living on my own in a studio apartment (with luck! still have to do paperwork and get approved). I was talking about it with my piano teacher, and she was saying that all through college she had learned to love whatever roommates she was with, and that when she had an apartment on her own for a summer, she learned to love herself. I'm hoping that's what this will be for me, and think it has a good chance. Granted, I'm a LOT more comfortable in my own skin and confident in myself than I used to be, but there's still (and always) room for improvement. Again, high hopes.

If I sound grown-up and deep, I'm not. Haha. I'm kind of a wreck, but I'm also persevering. It's the only thing we can do, sometimes. Anyway, I'll probably update eventually, haha. Goodnight, and enjoy a lazy summer night in CO.